Doesn’t it feel like wherever you look there are people recommending ways you can ‘cleanse’ your body at the moment? As the sun starts to shine a little brighter and cardigans are swapped for t-shirts, juice cleanses and detox teas seem to pop up in our Insta feeds like daffodils (but not in a good way).
Fear not, The Sweet Life team is here to help. We’ll teach you the tricks you need to learn to spot those detox pushers a mile off and how you can escape their kale-stained grasp if they manage to corner you.
Let the detox detox begin.
The Warning Signs
The first step on your detox detox journey is avoiding the people who are trying to tell you about their detoxes. There are some obvious danger spots: the kitchen at work, that Whatsapp group with the friends from school you don’t really see any more, family reunions. In all these situations, it’s important to be on the lookout for the warning signs that somebody, completely unprompted, is going to recommend you eat nothing but seaweed for three weeks.
We’ve compiled an extensive list of some things to look out for:
- Inappropriate levels of interest in what you’re having for lunch
- Scales. If they’re weighing their food, run.
- A euphoric state in otherwise dull circumstances – this person is probably fasting. Hide.
- An overwhelming aura of superiority
Despite your best efforts, it’s not always possible to get away in time. So, when that “fun” aunt on her 4th glass of Pinot manages to sneak up on you, it’s important to have an escape plan ready.
We’ve put together a list of excuses you can use to easily extract yourself from those tricky conversations:
- ‘I’m sorry my hamster’s allergic to spinach’
- ‘Blending things is against my religion’
- ‘My brother-in-law was killed in a kale-related disaster’
- ‘My life coach has recommended I stop talking to you’
- “Oh my god, is that the new range of NutriBullet” *point behind them and run while they’re distracted*
Instant Insta Detox
Instagram can be a breeding ground for silly viral diets. Follow these steps to cleanse your feed of anyone likely to suggest you should eat charcoal:
Immediately unfollow anyone:
- Using the words cleanse, purify or transform
- Posting about any kind of ridiculous diet fads. Appetite suppressant = UNFOLLOW
- Sharing daily photos of their avocado on toast
So, there you have it. By following these few simple steps you’ll soon discover how easy it is to remove the cleansers, purifiers and purgers from your life. Have fun detoxing those detoxers.